THIS FIC CONTAINS MILD MATURE CONTENT. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

The way things are.

Unfortunately, I have to officially put Run on an indefinite hiatus. I’ve lost my muse for Jemma lately, and I’m pretty busy with school, trying to find a job, a new relationship, and other such real-lifey things. I never had a definite plan for Run, I had no idea where it was going to go, and I’ve been told that it holds up as it is and doesn’t necessarily feel unfinished, so I made the decision to leave it alone for now and see if, one day, I can come back to it and pick up.

Thank you, thank you, thank you times ten million to everyone who’s ever read, enjoyed, commented… anything. I’m really, truly thrilled and humbled by all the positive feedback this has received. It’s been fun and inspiring for me, and hopefully the same for you.

 

[14] Phone Calls from Angry People

Emma was saved, so to speak, by the sudden insistent vibrating of her cell phone.

“Shit!” she squeaked, jerking upright to fumble through her pockets for the infernal contraption. She was red-faced and breathing hard, blood pounding through her head like a drumbeat.

Finally, she located the mobile and pulled it out. Both girls stared at it.

“Maddy…” Emma said quietly. The phone continued to ring and she moved to answer the call.

“Hey, wait, what are you doing?” Jenny asked urgently.

rrring!

“It’s Madison. She knows, Jenny.”

bzzzz!

“But… what if she tells someone where you-

bzzzz!

-are?”

“Well then I won’t tell her where we are. She’s pro-

bzzzz!

-bably just worried about me. I have to answer it.

Jenny sighed, knowing her girlfriend was going to win this battle.

bzzzz!

“Okay.”

Emma hit the button.

“Maddy?” she said hesitantly.

“Hey, Emma, are you alright?”

“Uh… yeah, I’m fine. I only left a few hours ago, couldn’t this have waited until the morning?”

“You know, I didn’t want to bother you – figured I’d let you run away in peace – but Danny’s freakin’ out over here and I think he just wants to know you’re okay.”

“You told Danny? I told you to keep it to yourself, you loud-mouthed, gossipy bit-”

“HEY. I didn’t mean to, it just kind of.. slipped out. Look, Emsie, we’re both just worried about you.”

There she is, Emma thought, her anger fizzling out as quickly as it had come, getting all sisterly again. Who is this fairy and what has it done with my sister?

“Here, talk to Dan for a minute. I think he’s bricking it harder than you were earlier.”

“Fine.”

She heard the phone being fumbled from one hand to another.

“Emma?” her brother’s normally calm voice was full of anxiety.

“Hey, Danny.”

“You’re okay, yeah?”

“Yes, Dan, I’m fine. Perfectly fine.”

There was a short period of silence, and for one foolish moment, she thought that might be good enough to console her overprotective sibling. A second later, she found out she was wrong.

“I can’t BELIEVE you! What the HELL are you thinking? Running away is for kids, and also possibly the STUPIDEST thing you could have done in your situation!”

“Then don’t think of it as running away,” Emma said calmly, “think of it as moving away without telling anyone when or where.”

Danny practically growled into the phone.

“For such a smartass, Emma, you can be the biggest idiot. Do you even know where you’re going?”

“Yes.”

“And…?”

“I’m not telling you. I know you, Dan, you’d come looking for me and we can’t risk that. Not yet.”

“Damn straight I’d come looking for you!”

She couldn’t help but smile. “I love you too, Danny.”

“I hope you have a plan. Do you have money? You’re going to need to work… and what about school? You were so close to graduating, and now you’re out in the world without your abitur.”

“We have some money. I have my ID, so I can work. I think Jenny does, too…” she looked to Jenny for confirmation and the brunette nodded vigorously. “Yeah, she does. We’re going to rent a room or something, save up enough for a flat. It’ll be fine, Dan. We’ll make it work.”

“And WHAT about school?!”

Emma sighed. It was her concern, too.

“I’m sure we can enroll somewhere long enough to take our exams…”

“And after that? College?”

The blond pinched the top of her nose. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

Danny huffed, sending a burst of static down the line. Emma waited, her left hand resting on her shoulder and covered by Jenny’s.

“Fine. I just don’t want you to throw everything away, Emma. Just stay safe, okay? And keep in touch?”

“Okay, you big sap. I’ll be fine. Call me in a few days.”

“I will. Love you, Ems.”

“Yeah, yeah. Put Maddy back on?”

There was more fumbling.

“Hello again!”

“Thanks so much for telling him, you ass. You heard that interrogation, right?

“Hey, I said I was sorry. I won’t let him call you again for at least two days. Beyond that, he might implode or kill me if I try to stop him, so no promises.”

They both laughed.

“Okay,” Maddy said after a moment, sounding almost sad. “I should let you go.”

“M’kay. It was actually nice to talk to you, you know.”

“Hey! Of course it was nice to talk to your doting big sister…”

“Love you, Maddy. Remember to give mum and da that letter, yeah?”

“Yeah. Bye, Emsie.”

The call was disconnected. Emma looked back at Jenny.

“Sorry about that…”

Jenny shook her head. “That’s okay. It’s good you can keep in touch with your family.”

“Some of my family…”

The brunette looked upset. “Better than none.”

Emma frowned. “Hey, Jenny, you’re not alone, okay? You’ve got me, and everyone at school. Even my family.”

“It’s not the same, Emma.”

“Your parents love you. They really want what’s best for you.”

“If they love me, why won’t they believe me?!”

Emma smiled sadly. “Because it’s not their job to believe you. It’s their job to look out for you. I know it hurts but you have to believe they’re looking out for you, because they love you.”

“Yeah. Can we not talk about this right now?”

“But-”

“I just want to enjoy this freedom with you. Okay?”

“Okay.”

There was a long pause, in which Emma found Jenny’s hand and laced their fingers together. She brought the hand to her mouth and kissed it gently, and when she spoke her lips still brushed the soft skin.

“Jenny…?”

“Emma?”

“You’ll always have me. You know that, right?”

“I know. Now go back to sleep.”

[13] Ends and Beginnings

The train car was nearly empty, the air chilly and stale. Emma and Jenny had claimed a little booth of seats for themselves. Jenny sat with her back to the window, one leg pressed against the seat and the other resting on the floor beside her so Emma could fit between them. The blond was half asleep, head nestled into Jenny’s shoulder, her breathing deep and even.

Jenny wriggled her socked foot where it was trapped between the seat and Emma’s thigh, trying to restore some blood flow to her rapidly numbing limb. Their shoes had been discarded, despite the chill, though both were bundled up in (frankly inadequate) summer sweaters.

Emma stirred a bit as Jenny’s wriggling tickled her leg, moaning softly in her throat and trying to burrow further into the brunette’s heat.

“Jenny…” she murmured, eyes still shut.

“Hmm?”

“…’m cold.”

“I know, me too.” Jenny wrapped her arms tighter around the blond’s waist but Emma kept shivering and she could feel her own teeth starting to chatter.

“It’s supposed to be summer… why is it so cold?!”

“It’s late, the sun went down hours ago,” Jenny replied, placing a soft kiss on Emma’s hair. “Plus, this car’s drafty. Hey, sit up for a second?”

Emma obeyed, sitting up and hugging her knees for warmth. Jenny shifted and leaned down to where their bags had been strewn between the two bench seats. She dug through hers for a moment and came out with her sleeping bag. With cold fingers she opened the zipper, turning it into a large blanket.

“Take off your sweater, baby.”

Emma looked at her like she’d asked her to strangle a kitten.

“Body heat, Emma. We can share it, but not if there’s insulation between us,” Jenny explained, opening the front of her own button-up.

Emma shivered violently as the cold air hit her bare arms and invaded her t-shirt. Jenny pulled her back against her own sweater-free chest and spread the sleeping bag out on top of them, using her free hand to tuck it under her back and Emma’s legs. They folded it around their feet to keep the heat from escaping and basked in the growing warmth.

“Better, love?” Jenny asked, rubbing the blond’s goose bumped arms and shoulders. Emma nodded, her hair tickling the underside of Jenny’s chin.

“Uh huh,” she mumbled, sleepiness edging it’s way back into her voice.

“Aww, no, don’t go to sleep on me again!” Jenny whined playfully, her nose buried in blond hair.

“Well then,” Emma said, a hint of a challenge in her voice, “keep me awake.”

Jenny chuckled as she slipped her still-chilled fingers under the blond’s shirt to stroke the soft skin of her stomach. Emma yelped and attempted to wriggle away from the offending appendages, but the relatively temperate confines of the sleeping bag kept her from going too far. Little shivers made their way up and down her spine as the cold hands moved, one upwards to run along the skin under her bra and the other down to play with the fastenings of her jeans. Emma, now wide-eyed and fully awake, was suddenly acutely aware of the other travellers sharing their car. Few though they were, most had turned to look for the source of Emma’s shriek and were now either staring shamelessly at the couple or grumbling irritably.

As Jenny’s fingers deftly popped the button of her jeans and started easing the zipper down, Emma’s heart raced.

“Wait, Jenny, wait,” she whispered urgently, trying to keep her face neutral. “Not here!”

Jenny leaned her head forward to murmur in Emma’s ear as she slid the material of the blond’s bra up, tracing a circle around one hardening nipple with cold fingers. “Why? Nobody will know…”

“They will know! They probably already know! You expect me to keep a straight face through this?!”

Jenny pinched her nipple gently, making her gasp and shudder.

“If you want it bad enough,” she said mischievously into the blond’s ear, “you’ll keep quiet. Just relax, close your eyes, and let it happen…” she trailed off, her hand slipping beneath Emma’s panties.

[12] Family Matters

My little sister’s gone, and I kind of can’t believe it. Who’d have thought?

It’s just me and mum and Andrew cleaning up the kitchen; I’m elbow-deep in dirty dishes, and Andy’s drying them beside me. We make quick work of the stack of plates, cups and cutlery before I excuse myself and disappear upstairs.

In my room, I boot my laptop, an old refurb I bought with summer job money years ago. It hums to life, and I realize it’s oddly quiet. Normally, Emma would have her music on by now, just loud enough that it seeps through our shared wall and into my room. On any other day I’d have appreciated the silence, but today it’s eerie and depressing. Because she’s gone. Really gone, I think, knowing that stubborn little imp; she wouldn’t abandon her friend – girlfriend – and come running back.

I can’t believe I’m worrying about her. She’s a pain in my ass most of the time, plus she’s eighteen and, I think, perfectly capable of taking care of herself. And she’s not alone.

Thinking about Jenny makes me want to hurt her a little bit for taking my sister.

I sigh, shaking the train of thought. It won’t help anybody right now.

When the computer boots I plop down in my desk chair and log in, opening iTunes and starting up some music of my own to alleviate the silence.

–

Much later, I’m sitting on the couch watching late-night TV – trashy talk shows, infomercials, the news, more infomercials – when Danny walks in.

“Well FINALLY,” I say with mock exasperation. “Jesus, Dan, where were you?”

He scowls. “Out and about. Think I might have found a place.”

“It took you until one AM to check out a flat?” I chide, although I shouldn’t be ribbing him. Honestly, I’m strangely relieved to see at least one of my siblings home, alive and well.

(Andrew doesn’t count. Little twit.)

“Where is everyone?” Danny asks, dropping onto the couch next to me. I shoot him a disbelieving glare.

“It’s one in the morning, where do you think everyone is?”

He shrugs. “Emma’s off school tomorrow, right? Normally she’d be up with you…” he trails off as I keep glaring. “Okay, okay, just asking!”

I pull a tired attempt at a cheeky smile. “Emma’s not here, actually. She went to Luzi’s. Some big project, you know how she is with school work.”

“Luzi’s, hm? You sure she’s not at Jenny’s?” He says it with a lilt and a waggle of his eyebrows.

I sigh. “You’re not funny, Danny.”

He glowers a bit. “I don’t know what your problem with Emma’s girl is. Jenny’s nice! And you’ve seen them together, is that not love?”

“Ha!” I shout, forgetting to keep the volume down, “you just like her because she’s hot and charming.”

He doesn’t bother to deny it, and we both focus on the TV for a few minutes, letting the tension between us dissipate. After a while, he turns to me again.

“So, the flat’s pretty nice. Close to work, and cheap. I can probably move in next month, if I want.”

I snort a little. “I guess this means you’re leaving me, too?” I say without thinking.

His eyes grow wide. “Leaving you too… Maddy, what?” Oh shit. “Who’s left you? Don’t tell me this is more boyfriend drama, because so help me I will…” he trails off, probably noticing the look of horror in my eyes.

“Madison Catherine Müller, what is going on?”

“Oh shit,” I whisper behind my hand. “Oh shit, oh shit. Danny, you CANNOT tell mum and dad. Okay?”

He sort of flaps his hands, blinking quickly. “Okay, okay, just tell me what the hell you’re talking about!”

“Emma,” I start hesitantly, “Emma left. She told me earlier she’s not really going to Luzi’s. She’s running away. With Jenny.”

I watch his face go from confused to upset to scared to downright furious. “Running… what the fuck? Why?!” He propels himself off the couch, voice raising. I grab his arm and try to pull him back down.

“Shut up, you ass! Voice down, now!” I whisper-yell in that way you do when you’re trying to be quiet and forceful at the same time. He resists my attempts to pull him back to the couch, yanking his arm away and standing there, staring down at me. “Calm down, Danny. Freaking out won’t do anything.”

He sits back down with a huff.

“You calm?” I ask, though he’s obviously not.

“Yes,” he growls.

I study him; set jaw, hands clenched. “Gonna stay that way?”

He shoots me a look that says he’s running out of patience. “Maybe. Depends on what you tell me.”

I decide to be an asshole. It’s for Emma’s sake, really. “Well, I’m not telling you shit if you’re going to freak out.” He looks like he wants to hit me. Then he turns away, takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly.

“Okay. Calm. Really.”

I nod. “They left earlier… around seven, I guess. Jenny’s parents are trying to send her to some rehab clinic. In Ireland. They left because they don’t want to be separated.”

Danny looks bewildered. “Jenny’s an addict?” I see the reality behind the question; he thinks he’s let his little sister date some heroin junkie.

“Was an addict. Emma said she’s been clean for almost a year, but her parents think she’s relapsed. Some drug test came back positive, or something. Emma was freaking out when she told me, I think I missed a few details.”

“But if a test came back positive, she must have taken the drugs, right?” He sounds like he’s interrogating me. “You LET our little sister run off with someone who’s using drugs?!”

I’m shaking my head emphatically. “No, she didn’t take them. She was drugged by this guy… Ralph? Ryan? Started with an R… anyways, he has it in for Jenny because she tried to stop him from selling drugs. As I understood, he found out about Jenny’s past and figured it’d be the best way to fuck her over.”

Danny’s quiet for a minute, obviously deep in thought. Then: “I don’t like it. They’re out there alone, they have nowhere to go, probably not enough money… they’re just kids!”

All I can do is smile sadly. “Emma’s eighteen. That’s old enough for her to decide what she’s doing with her life, and if leaving with Jenny is what she wants to do then we can’t stop her. She’s a smart kid, you know that, and I might not like her but I get the feeling that Jenny can hold her own.” I punch him lightly on the shoulder. “Don’t worry about her, if you can help it.”

He shakes his head. “I can’t help it. And I still don’t like it. I just… I wonder where she is? What are they planning?” I think for a minute, then shrug.

“Why don’t we call her? She’ll answer it if she sees my mobile number.” I pull my phone out of my sweater pocket. Danny looks satisfied for the first time since he got home.

I barely have to look as I scroll through my contacts to Emma’s name and hit ‘dial’.

[11] I Can’t Believe It

We take the city bus to the train station. Emma knows most of the routes by heart, so I let her lead me from line to line, bus to bus, through quiet neighbourhoods and dark city streets into the heart of Koln. The buses get busier the closer we get until by the last one we’re standing, pressed together by the crowd around us, holding onto a railing to prevent a game of human Dominoes as the bus lurches back and forth.

We can hardly stop smiling. The thrill of rebellion, of complete freedom, has claimed both of us, and we are giddy with excitement.

By the time we get to the train station it’s dark, but we are still carried along by a crowd as we make our way to the ticket desk. She pulls me to a schedule on the wall, a pixelated video screen showing the earliest departures at the top. Most are to German cities – the Stuttgart train leaves in five minutes, the Berlin train in thirteen. Farther down the list, we see two foreign destinations: Warsaw, Poland and Nijmegen in the Netherlands. I look at her.

“We have passports.” I say, tentatively. “We could leave the country.”

She appears to think for a moment, then shakes her head. “No, I don’t think we could. They keep records of everyone who crosses the borders, right? If your parents really wanted to find you, it’d be just as easy.”

She’s right, of course.

“Plus, wherever we go, we’ll need to get jobs, and eventually stay somewhere. We can’t do that on travel visas in a foreign country where we don’t speak the language.”

I nod. “So Germany it is, then.”

“Look here,” she points to one of the trains on the screen, “Munich. Five hour ride, leaves in an hour. That gets us there for…” she checks her watch. “Three in the morning. And it’s most of the way across the country.”

I feel a smile tugging at my mouth. “It’s a big enough city that we’d disappear into the crowd. And there’ll be jobs… retail, and you have experience in restaurants.”

Emma’s grinning at me, an excited flush rising into her cheeks.

“We can get a room somewhere, rent one until we save some money. We can get a flat… oh, Jenny, a flat!”

She’s laughing delightedly now, and I can’t help but join in. My heart’s fit to burst. A flat. Ours.

“Think about it! Our own place, and maybe we can get a cat, or a fish, and we could sleep in the same bed every night…” she trails off, a look of pure, unadulterated wonder on her face. I’m awe-struck. I want nothing more than to kiss her fiercely, gather her into my arms, make love to her, worship her, make sure she knows what this, what she means to me. This amazing little being who smiles as she throws her whole life away. For me.

“Emma…” is all I manage to say. I feel like I’m on the brink of hysterically happy tears.

Her face falls, just the tiniest bit. “Did I, uhm… go too far? I mean, we don’t have to think abou-”

“No! God, Emma, no. I want that. So much.” I take her hands, look into her vibrant hazel eyes. “I just can’t believe you’re doing this for me. I can’t believe it.”

She lights back up. “Well, believe it. I’d do just about anything for you.”

I start to cry; I can’t help it. She flips into worried-Emma mode and I start laughing, through the tears, and then we’re clinging to each other in the middle of the train station. I pull back and kiss her fiercely, my hands holding her neck, tangling in her hair, caressing her face and shoulders. We stay like that as the world moves around us.

Eventually we separate. Emma looks down, an embarrassed smile on her pink face. Her ears have turned a violent scarlet. “Munich, then?”

“Munich.” I reply, hands still on her shoulders.

“We need to get tickets. I’ve got some cash in here, it should be enough…” she says, rummaging through the messenger bag that doubles as a purse.

“No, don’t, we might need that later. I’ll get them.” She shoots me a questioning look.

“But you said your credit cards aren’t working…”

“The credit cards have been frozen, but I can still get into my bank account,” I say, going through my own bag. “I’m nineteen, they have no control over it. There’s not much but it’s enough.” I find my wallet and take her hand, pulling her towards the ticket desk.

“Two adult to Munich, please,” I say into the little speaker. I swipe my card, punch in some numbers, and the attendant slides our tickets under the plexiglass. I hand them to Emma, who holds them like they’re made of gold.

“Enjoy your trip,” the attendant says, in a voice that clearly said he’d rather be anywhere but right there wishing me a pleasant journey. I smile at him anyways.

“We will!” I chirp, pulling my girlfriend away. “What platform are we on?” I ask as we wander in the general direction of the trains.

Emma studies the tickets for a moment.

“Nine and three quarters.”

“Wait… what?” I ask, utterly confused, before the reference hits me. “Emma!”

She’s giggling at me, almost breathless. “Your face!” she says, her voice full of infectious mirth. I shove her playfully, and she laughs harder.

“Okay, you clown. Where are we really going?”

She struggles to calm herself enough to speak. “Platform… platform five,” she manages between laughter.

I shake my head. “Come on, then,” I say, leading her in the direction of our train to freedom.

[10] Where Are We Going?

Jenny shouldered her bag and left Luzi’s apartment, flying down the building’s stairs and nearly colliding with a worried looking Emma on the ground floor landing.

“Jenny!” the blonde dropped her bag and pulled her girlfriend into a spine-cracking hug. “Oh, god, there you are! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you know how my family gets…” she babbled, fingers digging into Jenny’s back.

“Emma, it’s okay, it’s okay. I know,” she said, gasping. “Babe, I need to breathe.”

Emma released her sheepishly.

“So… where are we going?”

Jenny opened her mouth to reply then realized she didn’t have an answer and closed it. She seemed to war with herself for a moment, then;

“I’m… I don’t really know. I mean, I haven’t really had time to plan this out. I just know I need to get out of here.”

“We need to get out of here,” Emma corrected, reaching up to cup Jenny’s face, running her thumb along one lovely cheekbone.

Jenny smiled slightly, her heart beating fast.

“Yeah… we need to get out of here,” She leaned in and pressed a soft, exquisite kiss to Emma’s mouth. The blonde sighed, parting her lips slightly, letting their tongues dance for a sliver of time before pulling back. Her cheeks were flushed, breaths shallow. She stepped back to keep from getting carried away.

“So,” she said, retrieving her bag from the landing floor, “let’s get out of here.”

“But we still don’t know where we’re going…” Jenny said with trepidation in her voice.

Emma smiled. “Let’s just go. We’ll figure it out along the way. You and me, as long as we’re together,” she replied in a rare, calm moment of Emma-clarity.

Jenny returned her smile, reaching a hand out trustingly. Emma took it and began to lead her out the door.

God, how I love her.

Hand-in-hand, the lovers walked into the fading light of dusk.

[9] Flashback: Pride

love me, love me, say that you love me…

Emma hummed the tune softly under breath as she walked – nay, skipped, or possibly even bounced – home. The day played through her head, again and again, a whirlwind of emotions. She had done it. Kissed Jenny, on top of the books, in the middle of the courtyard, in front of the whole school. The whole school! She grinned to herself, giddy. The simple idea of being able to touch Jenny, hold her hand – kiss her! – openly made Emma soar with pride.

“It was you. You decided that everyone would know about us, despite the consequences.”

Consequences… there were those. One being the rather urgent need to find a locker-worthy picture of herself and Jenny to cover up some pisser’s magic marker masterpiece. Another was the realization that if she didn’t tell her family about her and Jenny soon, it would get back to them otherwise. She knew the kind of gossip her mum came home with, and undoubtedly someone would have heard about the littlest Muller girl’s newfound gayosity.

But the thought did little to diminish Emma’s mood. She felt invincible, high on residual adrenaline and braver than she’d ever been. It was the kind of mad confidence that makes one want to take up professional bear wrestling.

I’m telling them, she thought. Tonight. As soon as I can. At that her stomach, ignored all day in favour of Jenny, protested loudly.

No, stomach. I have priorities!

GRRROWL

Fine. Snack first, then the earth-shattering revelation.

–

Emma arrived home with a bounce in her step, skipping up the front stairs and wrenching open the heavy door. Headphones still stuck in her ears, she kicked her sneakers off onto the mat and dropped her bag by the stairs before walking through to the kitchen. She rooted through the fridge for a moment and came out with a green apple. She grinned at the fruit; they were Jenny’s favourite, and always reminded the blond of her girlfriend. As brightly coloured as the brunette’s taste in clothing, with the same underlying sweetness hidden by a sour first impression. Emma giggled a little, still studying the apple. She wandered towards the living room, munching her apple contentedly, until she felt an earbud wrenched mercilessly from her ear.

“Hey!” she turned to see her assailant and came face-to-face with a slightly taller, darker- and longer-haired version of herself.

“Hey nothing. You’re gonna go deaf with those things stuck in your head all day.”

“That hurt! What did my ears do to deserve such heinous mistreatment?”

“Well, I was trying to ask why you find apples so hii-larious all of a sudden, but you were too busy being crazy to notice.”

Emma ignored that last part, and said “it reminds me of someone, alright?”

Madison quirked an eyebrow.

“You know how mad you sound, right?” she said, giving her sister a look rather reminiscent of the blond’s own ‘amused face’. Emma just shook her head, exasperated, and walked away. She flopped onto the couch, fruit in hand.

“Where’s mum and da?”

The older girl joined the younger on the couch, kicking her shoes off and resting socked feet on the coffee table. “Mum and dad are at Andrew’s meet-the-teacher day. They’ll be back by 4:30.”

Emma grimaced. Scheisse. Guess I won’t be telling them just yet.

“Wha’ ’bout Da’y?” She asked, through a mouthful of apple.

“Working. He got called in to cover the afternoon shift. And I think he said something about flat-hunting after.” Madison shrugged, “either way, it’s just you and me, baby sister,” she said, stealing Emma’s apple and taking a bite.

“Wonderful…”

–

“You guys know what day it is…”

“Thursday?”

“Thank you, smartarse. Yes, it is Thursday, which means it’s GAME NIGHT!”

Emma and Madison groaned in unison while Andrew let out a whoop of joy. Their mother bounded excitedly to the shelf and pulled down a stack of boxed board games. Johanna Muller was a spry, active woman, surprisingly youthful for nearing fifty years old. Her face was young and kind, with soft laugh lines around her mouth and smiling eyes.

“What about Danny?” Madison asked, attempting to delay the inevitable.

“Maybe we’ll play another round when he gets home. Although…” she set the stack of boxes on the carpeted floor, cleared for the weekly ritual. “I think your brother’s a bit old for this now.”

Like we aren’t? Emma thought, but kept her mouth shut, and instead shared a look with Madison. Though they made a habit of irritating each other to breaking point, it was times like these the two joined forces and weathered the storm of domestic bliss together.

“Can we play Monopoly?!” Andrew asked, all ten-year-old exuberance.

“God, NO!” Madison countered. “Please, anything but Monopoly. We have played monopoly for the past four weeks, and HE ALWAYS WINS!”

“’s not my fault I’m better than you at it!” Andrew shouted back, mockingly. Maddy glared at him as though, if she tried hard enough, she would be able to shoot laser beams out of her eyes and fry him. Emma jumped in to defuse the bomb.

“And Monopoly takes way too long, anyways. Think of something else, Drew.”

“ANYTHING else…” Madison has to add.

Johanna pipes up, “how about Life? We haven’t played that in a while.”

She was met with a chorus of ambivalent “sure”s and “uh huh”s, but went ahead and selected a colourful box from the stack. The game moved quickly, and before long they were all somewhat absorbed in their new, wonderfully simple board game lives.

“Okay, eight…” Emma murmured to herself, counting out the appropriate number of spaces. “And… I’m getting married. Where’s the bag of people?” Andrew procured it from the ground beside him. Emma stuck a hand in and pulled out a tiny pink plastic human. She studied it, shrugged a bit, and placed it next to her own identical tiny pink plastic human. Jenny, Emma thought, and a tiny thrill ran through her. My Jenny. Though pink’s not really her colour… purple would be better. Or green. Or maybe bright red, like that shirt she was wearing that one ti-

“Haha! I always knew you were a lezzer, Emsie!”

-me when we almost…

-

-

-

Shit.

For one long, long moment, silence hung heavy. Emma’s heart beat madly in her ribcage. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry; deny the accusation or stand up for her feelings. For a minute she was calm, weighing her options, until she noticed the four pairs of eyes on her. Panic bubbled up in her chest and she fell back onto her default setting: frenzied babbling.

“Neinein, I’m not- it’s not- I just didn’t realize it, must be going red-green colourblind or something, haha, you know they’re so hard to tell apart and I wasn’t paying attention and does it really matter anyways? Who says the pink ones can’t be boys, I mean some boys lik-”

“EMMA, calm. It’s okay. Your sister” she emphasized the word, shooting Madison a sharp glare “is joking and will immediately cease. Keep the pink one; between the rest of us, we’re running out of blues.”

Emma nodded and, despite Maddy’s scrutinizing stare, kept the pink piece.

–

They were done less than an hour later. Emma ended up with a high-paying job as a doctor and two little plastic children, one blue and one pink. She helped tidy up the game, then snuck up to her bedroom to get changed. She found a pair of fluffy pink pyjama pants and a purple t-shirt she’d borrowed from Jenny to sleep in the last time she’d stayed the night at the Bergmanns’. It didn’t smell like Jenny anymore – she’d put it through the wash – but it was nice to have something belonging to her girlfriend close at night. Luckily, nobody had asked about her apparent sudden interest in a band called “Map and Key”.

When she had changed, the blond stood in the middle of her room, trying to quiet her racing mind. Then, with a frustrated noise, she fell forward onto her bed.

“Fuck. Fucking fucky fuck” she growled into her pillow. “Emma, you are such a fucking coward!”

She turned over onto her side, pulling the blankets tight around her. The familiar little sounds of her parents downstairs filtered through her door, and a thought formed. They were alone; Drew and Maddy had holed up in their rooms to sleep and Skype, respectively. It was a rare opportunity. She could walk down there, right now, have them to herself for a precious moment. Tell them everything.

She let the idea float in her head. She was nervous – beyond nervous, she was pee-your-pants terrified. Of what?! She thought, angry with herself. They were her parents… good, open-minded people who, if she was honest, probably wouldn’t care that their daughter was a lesbian. She took a few deep breaths, holding that thought in her mind.

And then she thought of Jenny, and suddenly-

Suddenly she wanted the whole world to know Jenny belonged to her. And she belonged to Jenny.

With unexpected certainty, she threw the covers back and leapt out of bed. Pulling on a hoodie to keep out the chill, and cover her own bralessness under Jenny’s shirt, she padded downstairs. Her bare feet slapped the wooden steps softly.

The house was dark except for light streaming from the kitchen. She walked towards the entrance, a wide, white-painted doorframe without door, and saw her mum at the table.

“Hey hon, what’s up?” Johanna asked as she walked into the light. She was sitting at the table, nursing a steaming mug of herbal tea; her father was standing by the fridge, making a sandwich.

Emma stood in the doorway for a minute, her heart thumping wildly. Adrenaline was making her light-headed and panicky. She started slightly when her mum spoke again.

“D’you want some tea?”

“Uh… yeah, sure.” Hans took a mug from the cupboard next to him and handed it to Emma, who sat down in the nearest spot at the table. Johanna slid the teapot to her. She poured the tea and held it between her hands, trying to draw some calm from the heat soaking into her skin.

“Something tells me you’re not just here for tea and company, Emma,” Johanna said softly, catching Emma’s eyes with her own identical ones. Emma looked much more like her father, from height and build to hair colour and even their crooked third fingers, but she had her mother’s lively greenish eyes. How very Harry Potter…

“I, uh, actually have something… something to tell you.” There was that feeling again, like her heart was beating so fast it was overheating. She felt fear, adrenaline, flood her body again, and she tingled from head to feet. Her stomach did somersaults.

“You know we’re all ears, sweetheart,” Hans said, taking a seat at the table. Emma took a breath, pursed her lips, and let it out slowly. She bit her lip. Her parents were quiet, waiting expectantly but without pressuring her.

“You love me, right?”

“Of course we do… Emma, love, what’s wrong?”

“Not- not wrong, exactly,” she closed her eyes, took another cleansing breath. Stop dodging the point, Emma.

“Mama, papa…” she started, slipping back into childhood terms, “…I think I’m gay.”

-

-

-

Silence.

Fear turned Emma to ice. “Please say you don’t hate me,” she whispered, eyes on the table.

“What? No, no, Emma, of course we don’t hate you!” In a flash, Johanna had moved around the table and pulled her daughter into a tight, fierce hug. Finally she released the blond, pulling her chair closer. She held Emma’s hands as she sat down.

Hans was smiling gently at her from his place across the table. “I’m proud of you, Emma,” he said.

Emma sniffled as tears of relief welled up in her eyes. “Really? But… why?”

“Because that must have taken a lot of courage.”

Emma nodded, slightly, wiping at her eyes. “I was… so worried. About what you’d say. And- and I didn’t know what I’d do, if you were upset about it, because I can’t deny this anymore. I can’t…”

Her mum held her hand tighter. “Listen to me: nothing could make us love you less. Nothing. And we will always support you. Okay? I’m glad you finally told us.”

Emma’s brow creased in confusion. “Finally… what?”

“Well… we’ve had a- feeling- for a while,” her mum said, a bit hesitantly. “The way you talk about that Hartmann girl made us certain.”

Her eyes went wide. “Jenny…” she murmured.

“It’s her, isn’t it?” Johanna asked, a knowing smile tugging at her mouth.

Emma nodded. “Yeah, it’s her.” She raised her head and met her parents’ eyes. “I love her. At least, I think I do. And I think she loves me.”

They both smiled.

“Then that’s all that matters,” Hans said, squeezing her shoulder. “What I want to know is when we get to meet this girl.”

[8] Finality

The dining room is full and loud, all six members of the Müller family crowded around the table scattered with near-empty dishes. Conversation flows easily, flitting through subjects without lingering on any one too long. It’s a simple domestic picture, one that’s usually a great source of comfort to the close-knit family.

Emma is quieter than usual, unable to quell the uneasiness that rises in her chest as the oh-so-familiar scene plays out before her. She answers questions on autopilot, talks with mock enthusiasm about her day at school (we did this new song in STAG/ ‘Rear View Mirror’ or something/ yeah, it’s really nice, I’m singing the lead/ I know you’re proud of me, Mum) but she can’t shake the niggling reality in the back of her mind.

You might never see this again.

“So!” Emma looks up with a start as her father rises from his seat, “Who’s up for ice cream?”

“I can’t. I mean, I need to go,” she looks apologetically around the table. “Uhm, Luzi’s expecting me. We wanted to get started as soon as possible.”

“That’s my girl,” Hans Müller says with a proud smile, “A dedicated scholar. You’re packed?” Emma nods as she starts to clear the table, “I’ll give you a ride over, then.”

“Oh, you don’t have to, I can-” she begins.

“Quatsch, I want to. It’s been a while since we’ve had some time together, anyways.”

Emma puts on a smile. “Danke, da.”

So much for a quiet goodbye.

–

The car ride is quiet but for the radio on low. Emma stares out the window, watching the scenery pass by, bathed in the wan light of dusk. She knows the route to Luzi’s like the back of her hand, so she daydreams in the comfortable silence. She notices her father looking at her sideways, questioningly, like he wants to say something. But he stays quiet.

Finally, Emma can’t take being side-eyed anymore and says, “So… you wanted to talk, or something?”

He shrugs. “I like spending time with my kids. I don’t see you much anymore, Ems.”

Emma’s stomach rolls with guilt.

“I know da, it’s just, I’m so busy with school and STAG and everything, I’ll try to spend more time at home. I know I shouldn’t go to my friends’ all the time…” as she rambles she feels the horrible weight sink further into her gut; she stops suddenly cut off as though the wind’s been driven out of her. In a way it has. She suddenly feels like she can’t breathe, like she might throw up. She snaps her mouth shut and turns away so her father won’t see the guilt in her eyes.

Hans laughs a little. “Ems, it’s okay, we understand; you’re growing up. You don’t need us as much. You have your friends, responsibilities, and we’re proud of you, not disappointed.” Emma has to swallow a sob.

“Are you sure?”

“I don’t think you could do anything to disappoint us, Emma. Sometimes, I can’t believe I had a hand in raising you so well.”

Emma can hear the tension of feeling in his voice. No, no, no, please don’t get all emotional because then I’ll get all emotional and I don’t think I could get all emotional right now without spilling my guts all over the ground and I can’t do that because Jenny needs me, I can’t fail her, please don’t make me cry please please please…

“Yeah, uhm…” she doesn’t know how to respond, and trails off. The vehicle is silent for another long moment. Then she realizes she’s being side-eyed again and takes a breath, bracing herself.

“How are things with Jenny?”

The topic throws her for a loop. She releases the breath in a rush, “Uh… good,” she smiles suddenly, brightly. “Really good.”

“As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. You’re happy, right?”

“Da, I’m… I think I’m happier than I’ve ever been,” she pauses, shyly looking at her hands.

“I’m in love with her. It’s… amazing.”

Hans nods, satisfied.

–

As they pull up in front of the Beschenko residence, Emma can see Karin’s car disappearing down the road. Her heart stutters. She kicks the door open and snatches her bag from the back, dragging it with considerable difficulty between the front seats and into her lap. Could have done that differently…

She goes to get out, but stops, looking back at her father in the driver’s seat.

“Okay… so, I should go,” she says, almost apologetically.

Hans nods. “How long do you think you’ll be gone?”

Keiner ahnung.

“A couple of days, maybe. I’ll call you when we know.”

“Okay,” he leans over and pulls Emma into a tight, sideways hug. “Have fun, Emsie. Work hard.”

She nods into his shoulder. “I will,” she says, pulling back.

“I know you will.”

Emma gets out of the car, slings her bag over her shoulder and is almost toppled by the weight of it. Recovering, she turns around and looks through the window.

“Bye, da. Love you.”

“Love you too, sweetheart,” he waves as he pulls away. Emma waves back, numbly, until her back pocket starts to vibrate.

 

[7] Where Is She?

Luzi’s kitchen had 42 ceiling tiles, 57 floor tiles, and 31 backsplash tiles.

Jenny turned her gaze from the ceiling to her hands on the table. Sighed. Crossed her arms and dropped her head onto them. Sighed again. She began humming a muffled tune into the crux of her elbow. Where is she?

With a frustrated grunt, the brunette raised her head and looked at the clock. Emma should have been back twenty minutes ago. She reached a hand into the pocket of her jumper, retrieved her cell phone, and hit the autodial that would connect her to Emma’s mobile. She held her breath as it rang once, twice, five times and then went to voicemail.

‘Emma Müller, leave a message!’

Her girlfriend’s bright, recorded voice did little to calm Jenny’s frazzled nerves.

“Emma! Where are you? Karin works soon, we need leave before she talks to Stephan… just call me, please!”

She ended the call with unnecessary vigour and began to pace. She wandered from the table, to the counter, to the doorway, and back to the counter, watching her feet as she went, playing the don’t-step-on-the-cracks game to keep her mind occupied. Her head snapped up as a sudden sound – the door? – interrupted her back-and-forth trajectory. But it wasn’t the door – it was Karin, keys in hand and ready for work. Jenny’s heart skipped a beat.

The taller woman looked at her sorrowfully for a moment before she spoke.

“I have to tell Herr Bergmann you’ve been here, Jenny.”

Jenny nodded.

“I won’t mention Emma. Or anything we’ve talked about.” she smiled a little. Sadly. Encouragingly. “Whatever… whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.”

Jenny returned the smile halfheartedly.

“Thank you, Frau Beschenko… really. For everything.” For a moment, Jenny thought she might cry. Then, after a moment’s hesitation, she crossed the kitchen and fell into a warm hug. Karin rubbed her back a little, gently, calming her suppressed shuddering sobs.

After a moment, Jenny pulled back, looking at the floor and wiping her eyes hurriedly. “I’m sorry… I don’t even know why I’m-”

“It’s okay, Jenny.”

Karin went to the door, opened it part way, then stopped and turned back to the small teenager standing in the doorway of her kitchen.

“Tell Emma goodbye for me. And you take care of her. I know she’ll take care of you.”

Jenny stood fast for a long moment, watching the now-closed door. Then she retrieved her phone and typed out a text.

need to get out of here, meet me in front of the school xx jenny